I really liked what you wrote here. Clear narrative style and eminently relatable. I am fairly certain I've had this exact conversation with my wife and daughter after meeting them at dance class. I can't think of any substantive or constructive comments other than the narrative shift when the protagonist is waiting for the daughter to put on her shoes, but hey, that's how my mind works too.
I hope you return to this someday. I'd love to read more.
As a reader, here are my thoughts and expectations based on what you've set up [note: when I say "expectations," these are things that I feel you've made a contract with the reader about. You've promised these things, so if they don't happen, the reader will either be confused (and lose faith in the story) or will need to see a good narrative reason for the subversion]
[Another note: I've written a lot of fiction myself (6 books, working on my first non-fiction book now). I have a degree in English Lit and a minor in Creative Writing. All this is to say, on paper, I should know what I'm talking about...but in actuality, I know enough to know that I never know enough :) My comments below migtht be stupid; I accept that as a possiblity/probability]
[Another another note: I realize you've already stated this novel is abandoned, so my comments below aren't really valuable. But hey, I have fun writing about writing, so maybe this was more for me :) ]
Your contract with the reader tells me:
Yanagi-san will play a very big role in the story. He's been set up too deliberately to allow him to only act as the origin of the inciting incident. I expect he will be with our narrator for many pages.
Yanagi-san has qualities that the narrator wishes he had himself. He has a cult leader-like quality about him. At some point, the narrator will eventually see Yanagi-san as a flawed human, which will be a moment of transformation for the narrator.
Yanagi-san's left-hanging "among other other things" also promises continued mystique around this character.
Other, non-contract, thoughts:
Humanizing Yanagi-san so quickly zaps him of his allure. Specifically, when discussing his children. The wonder should be maintained for longer. Maybe he doesn't even have kids, and it's not until the narrator is at home, later, that he suddenly finds it odd that Yanagi-san was just hanging out in the parking lot of a child's dance class (but I also hope this wouldn't lead to Yanagi-san simply being a pervert; maybe he's an estranged father himself, and comes to the parking lot as a way to vicariously live a life he's regretfully abandoned...he gets emotional when he sees a father holding hands with their daughter. Or not. Sorry for dumping a bunch of "oh, you should do this" talk on you.
The description of the narrator's job is much too sudden and much too long. I think this should be a classic "show don't tell" opportunity. Show us the narrator as he works. This would give you the opportunity to also show how his work impacts his life (assuming he works at home). There might even be opportunity to show how he got into the work.
I would also recommend saving the work stuff for it's own chapter. Yanagi-san is such a powerful character that it seems a shame not to let him linger at the end of the chapter. He should bookend this first chapter. Maybe his "among other things" comment comes back into the narrator's head.
I really liked what you wrote here. Clear narrative style and eminently relatable. I am fairly certain I've had this exact conversation with my wife and daughter after meeting them at dance class. I can't think of any substantive or constructive comments other than the narrative shift when the protagonist is waiting for the daughter to put on her shoes, but hey, that's how my mind works too.
I hope you return to this someday. I'd love to read more.
I like this. I would definitely read more.
As a reader, here are my thoughts and expectations based on what you've set up [note: when I say "expectations," these are things that I feel you've made a contract with the reader about. You've promised these things, so if they don't happen, the reader will either be confused (and lose faith in the story) or will need to see a good narrative reason for the subversion]
[Another note: I've written a lot of fiction myself (6 books, working on my first non-fiction book now). I have a degree in English Lit and a minor in Creative Writing. All this is to say, on paper, I should know what I'm talking about...but in actuality, I know enough to know that I never know enough :) My comments below migtht be stupid; I accept that as a possiblity/probability]
[Another another note: I realize you've already stated this novel is abandoned, so my comments below aren't really valuable. But hey, I have fun writing about writing, so maybe this was more for me :) ]
Your contract with the reader tells me:
Yanagi-san will play a very big role in the story. He's been set up too deliberately to allow him to only act as the origin of the inciting incident. I expect he will be with our narrator for many pages.
Yanagi-san has qualities that the narrator wishes he had himself. He has a cult leader-like quality about him. At some point, the narrator will eventually see Yanagi-san as a flawed human, which will be a moment of transformation for the narrator.
Yanagi-san's left-hanging "among other other things" also promises continued mystique around this character.
Other, non-contract, thoughts:
Humanizing Yanagi-san so quickly zaps him of his allure. Specifically, when discussing his children. The wonder should be maintained for longer. Maybe he doesn't even have kids, and it's not until the narrator is at home, later, that he suddenly finds it odd that Yanagi-san was just hanging out in the parking lot of a child's dance class (but I also hope this wouldn't lead to Yanagi-san simply being a pervert; maybe he's an estranged father himself, and comes to the parking lot as a way to vicariously live a life he's regretfully abandoned...he gets emotional when he sees a father holding hands with their daughter. Or not. Sorry for dumping a bunch of "oh, you should do this" talk on you.
The description of the narrator's job is much too sudden and much too long. I think this should be a classic "show don't tell" opportunity. Show us the narrator as he works. This would give you the opportunity to also show how his work impacts his life (assuming he works at home). There might even be opportunity to show how he got into the work.
I would also recommend saving the work stuff for it's own chapter. Yanagi-san is such a powerful character that it seems a shame not to let him linger at the end of the chapter. He should bookend this first chapter. Maybe his "among other things" comment comes back into the narrator's head.
I'd definitely read more of these. It's too bad you aren't going to finish this one....but I look forward to your first 'finished' novel!!